so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
