I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
