Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
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I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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