Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
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