My Higher Power is John Stamos
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
