totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Don't EVER smell your tampon
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Let's paint friendship bongs
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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