I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
