she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
