hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Randomize
