you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
