made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
