First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
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