I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
