Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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