this beer tastes like vomit already
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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