Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
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He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
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My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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