I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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