it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.