we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick