I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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