I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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