how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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