I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
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Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
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I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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