On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
