Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
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your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
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I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize