omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
