Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
