I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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