Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
