i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
