he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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