my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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