I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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