I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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