it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
