He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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