And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
