I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
