What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
