Ambien. No doubt about it.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
