I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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