Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He just brought a live lobster to the party.