I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.