Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Randomize
