Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
