I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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