no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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