Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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