Welp...herpes.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
