i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
