So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
