His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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