I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
