umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Randomize
