I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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