i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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