Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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