tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
