I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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