HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
