life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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